Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
