girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
