if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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