Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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