cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
