my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
