Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
