Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
