I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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