I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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