Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
