I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
