the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
