I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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