First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize