you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
