I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
