our cab driver is having phone sex.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
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