We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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