If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
