It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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