Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
