I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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