So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
