if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
