i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it's like iHOP with fire
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
