Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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