I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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