If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
