Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize