Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
