I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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