Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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