remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
