don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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