I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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