Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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