Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
