I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she smelled like a LAN party
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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