I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
And then he peed in my hair
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