I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
