I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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