An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
