I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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