OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
