my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
