He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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