I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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