neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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