addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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