I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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