im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
