you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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