I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
