I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
