It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
