I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
