$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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