My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
