True but thats because hes a fetus.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
