I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
