You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
