i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
