Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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