i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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