my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
