I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They took my balls.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
