Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My hand turned me down
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
