I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
