My room smells like vodka and shame
Michael Bay diarrhea
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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