I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
